all of a sudden you're a hostage to things you thought you wanted

[closely]

( open for messages, action, overflow. )

Comments

[extirpator]

Still, life is about making the best of things, isn’t it? There’s got to be a silver lining somewhere.

I can teach you. I’m not very good at it though.

It’s what my company wants. I might not like it but I’m not in a position to say no.

[ something about fostering more of an image — relationship building and what have you. there was just enough charisma there that they could exploit it, although he would call it something else; the part of him that makes him prone to being taken advantage of. ]

[closely]

( it is painfully obvious how he avoids answering the first thing, glides right by it in fact. )

That won't be necessary. Not knowing how doesn't particularly bother me.

( though as he sends that, he almost realizes he's not sure that's true.

but ah. something he does understand. i'm not in a position to say no. well it doesn't really make him feel...anything, or at least not any better. not terribly surprising. most of the houses outside of the big three do encourage or require their students to attend in hopes there will be mingling to advantage. )

Then, it seems, we will both continue to attend.>

[extirpator]

I won’t pressure you then. But if you change your mind, I’ll save you a dance.

[ there’s some disappointment there — but he perks up a bit at the next message. ]

And see each other, hopefully. I guess since neither of us are becoming the Holder, they need us to make up for it in some other way.

[closely]

( he doesn't know why, for an instant, he almost says "okay".

then it passes. )

Your company doesn't want you to challenge Suletta Mercury?

( worth filing that information away. that's what he tells himself; that's all. )

[extirpator]

No. They specialize in medical development. They’ve got other uses for me.

Don’t worry. You won’t find any competition in me.

If I’m being honest, I never wanted to come here. But I owe them our lives. I can’t exactly complain.

[ there’s an undercurrent of resentment there. he hopes it doesn’t bleed through to text. ]

[closely]

( he has some skepticism not of nier but of the company's claimed focus and disinterest in the duels. then he reminds himself it's none of his business.

and not as though he has much time to spend sussing out the truths versus lies of someone else's backers. )

You can complain, technically. Though I gather it won't do any good.

( somehow, four manages to be incredibly tactless while sounding as close to empathetic as he ever does. not very. but something. maybe. )

[extirpator]

[ despite everything, he sees the goodwill in it. ]

Can’t look a gift horse in the mouth. I’ve talked your ear off enough. Thanks though. I appreciate it.

And I meant it when I said I’d bail with you. I don’t like these parties either but it’s good to talk to you.

In fact, it seems like the only good thing about them these days.

[ he doesn’t question why that is, of course. ]

[closely]

I don't see how it is "good", but I won't stop you from leaving when you want to.

( at the same time as four, or otherwise.

however, )

However, I won't be at the next one.

( given peil technologies have abruptly called him back for another battery of tests and adjustments. )

[extirpator]

Well, I like talking to you. You’re my friend after all.

[ there’s a pause then — however the words come out like quickfire. ]

Are you okay?

[closely]

I'm fine.

( even four realizes how brittle that might seem. he circles back, thinking it might redirect things enough to distract, )

Friend?

( most people find him too unapproachable, "the ice prince", or if they try, wholly lacking in his social graces, more likely to offend someone by being too candid. or simply too odd. yet nier persists. four does not know what to make of it or the strange, dangerous part of him that wants nier to keep doing it. )

[extirpator]

[ there’s another pause, like he’s ruminating on which boundaries he can encroach on. he throws caution to the wind regardless. ]

You said I could complain. So I’m going to return the favor.

If you ever feel like you need someone to lean on, call for me. I’ll come running no matter what happens.

[ he isn’t sold on it — but he makes his own compromise. prying would only close him into a corner. ]

Yeah. Friend. I consider you one. Does that bother you?

[closely]

I'm afraid I can't do that.

( complain about peil technologies for what they really are. accept someone else's offered shoulder. tell the truth.

ask for help.

he can't

i can't...i can't... )

There are better candidates for friendship at this school.

( he doesn't know how it makes him feel. or if it matters. )

[extirpator]

Okay.

Just like the dance. You have my number. If you change your mind, I’ll make time for you. Always.

[ and then— ]

That doesn’t matter. I want you.

[ if that sounds odd, it doesn’t occur to him. ]

[closely]

I don't understand why, but I won't tell you what to do.

( well, for now. )

I'm

( that gets prematurely sent, and then he's too preoccupied for a while with the subtle spasms his body is experiencing to 1. realize he did that, or 2. remember the conversation wasn't finished. )

[extirpator]

Even if you don’t understand, it doesn’t change how I feel.

[ he waits for the rest of the message. he doesn’t get it. ]

You’re what?

Hey??

Are you alright?

[closely]

( it's nearly an hour later. four doesn't even know why he cares enough to want to answer...want? is that it?

blearily, he curls on his side and taps out a reply, whatever the reason. )

Sorry

( a rare apology. it...seems like the right thing to say? he's sort of sure. kind of. )

Something came up. I had to step away.

[extirpator]

It’s okay. I’m just glad you’re alright.

[ the apology is a rarity; truthfully, it makes him all the more concerned for that reason alone. ]

You really worry me sometimes, you know that? It isn’t your fault. But sometimes… I can tell you aren’t okay.

[closely]

( another long period of time passes, though not quite an hour. despite that, this is the message he sends after a few failures, hands too shaky. )

Worrying isn't necessary.

( and against his better judgment or because he's feeling weak in a way he's unsettled by, )

Why do you say it isn't my fault?

[extirpator]

It doesn’t have to be. I’m still going to do it because I care about you.

[ there’s a pause. in his own moment of vulnerability– ]

Life hasn’t been easy for me. I don’t think it’s been good to most of us. But there was a time where things were happening to me, and even if people could tell there was something wrong, I’d wager death over telling the truth.

I guess it isn’t so different now. For a lot of us. But that’s why I know it isn’t your fault. If you’re suffering in some way, it isn’t your doing. I don’t blame you for being human.

[closely]

Your consideration is misplaced.
Just focus on yourself. You are here for someone else, after all.

( your consideration. your kindness. your humanness. he is human. but he is less than human. enhanced and impaired. is he wagering death, as nier alludes to? he doesn't feel like it. but it stands anyway; he avoids the truth.

even if he cannot remember, he must have put himself in this situation...surely?

that is what peil has implied to him anyway. that he wanted a citizen number that badly, that he would give up everything to have anything.

as he is now, he can barely understand such a person who was once himself.

he has a hard time understanding nier too, and he doesn't know what it is, the pang of discomfort in his chest. like his heart hurts.

the permet, his mind supplies, and he lets that be the reason because it's probably half true. and simpler. )

[extirpator]

Do you really think I don't know that? I don't need you to tell me that.

[ it's an uncharacteristic burst of upset, one that fills him with a deep seated shame shortly afterwards. after a pause-- ]

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to fly off the handle at you like that.

And honestly, I don't care if you think it's misplaced. We're friends. That's enough reason for me to care about you.

[closely]

( no lag on reply this time, simply, )

It's fine. You don't owe me an apology.

( it's a perfect example of why four doesn't interact with people much or tries to speak very little. because of his aloof veneer, it's hard to understand or realize at first until people see it first hand: how he's just a little too off in all social things, conversations. not quite...right. saying things most people would know not to, quietly. simply.

he thinks about sending another message but his body betrays him again. shaking badly, he lowers to his knees but not before he drops his handbook, and it sends by accident, )

sorry

( would he have actually sent it? probably not. a second apology in one conversation. unheard of for him, really. )

[extirpator]

Yeah, I do. You didn't mean anything bad by it. You have a good heart.

It's just a hard topic for me. So... I'm sorry. Really.

[ elan's never been the type to showcase sentiment so overtly -- concern brews in the back of nier's mind, and he stares at his screen hard, laying against his bed as he contemplates what to say next.

he hopes, from the bottom of his heart, that this isn't foreboding something. ]

It's okay. No hard feelings. You know, you say I worry a lot but in the end you aren't so different yourself.

^_^

[closely]

( because he can tell another message has come, because he doesn't want to wait lest nier think something is wrong and try to come here, four fumbles his way through a response. it still takes several tries, and he sends it too early anyway, tacking on the rest. he had been warned against raising his permet score too high too many times. but he cannot fail either.

there is no right chioce. )

We aren't
alike.

( he doesn't mean it as coldly as it comes. seldom does. even if he wishes he could. )

[extirpator]

[ it doesn't hurt him -- but it does startle, make him feel some semblance of guilt for putting him in this position at all.

maybe he's right. maybe they weren't. but... ]

We don't have to be for me to care about you.

[ and then another moment hangs in the air. ]

I can tell you've thought about it before though.