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all of a sudden you're a hostage to things you thought you wanted
( open for messages, action, overflow. )
( open for messages, action, overflow. )
( open for messages, action, overflow. )
( open for messages, action, overflow. )
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[ he waits for the rest of the message. he doesn’t get it. ]
You’re what?
Hey??
Are you alright?
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blearily, he curls on his side and taps out a reply, whatever the reason. )
Sorry
( a rare apology. it...seems like the right thing to say? he's sort of sure. kind of. )
Something came up. I had to step away.
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[ the apology is a rarity; truthfully, it makes him all the more concerned for that reason alone. ]
You really worry me sometimes, you know that? It isn’t your fault. But sometimes… I can tell you aren’t okay.
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Worrying isn't necessary.
( and against his better judgment or because he's feeling weak in a way he's unsettled by, )
Why do you say it isn't my fault?
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[ there’s a pause. in his own moment of vulnerability– ]
Life hasn’t been easy for me. I don’t think it’s been good to most of us. But there was a time where things were happening to me, and even if people could tell there was something wrong, I’d wager death over telling the truth.
I guess it isn’t so different now. For a lot of us. But that’s why I know it isn’t your fault. If you’re suffering in some way, it isn’t your doing. I don’t blame you for being human.
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Just focus on yourself. You are here for someone else, after all.
( your consideration. your kindness. your humanness. he is human. but he is less than human. enhanced and impaired. is he wagering death, as nier alludes to? he doesn't feel like it. but it stands anyway; he avoids the truth.
even if he cannot remember, he must have put himself in this situation...surely?
that is what peil has implied to him anyway. that he wanted a citizen number that badly, that he would give up everything to have anything.
as he is now, he can barely understand such a person who was once himself.
he has a hard time understanding nier too, and he doesn't know what it is, the pang of discomfort in his chest. like his heart hurts.
the permet, his mind supplies, and he lets that be the reason because it's probably half true. and simpler. )
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[ it's an uncharacteristic burst of upset, one that fills him with a deep seated shame shortly afterwards. after a pause-- ]
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to fly off the handle at you like that.
And honestly, I don't care if you think it's misplaced. We're friends. That's enough reason for me to care about you.
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It's fine. You don't owe me an apology.
( it's a perfect example of why four doesn't interact with people much or tries to speak very little. because of his aloof veneer, it's hard to understand or realize at first until people see it first hand: how he's just a little too off in all social things, conversations. not quite...right. saying things most people would know not to, quietly. simply.
he thinks about sending another message but his body betrays him again. shaking badly, he lowers to his knees but not before he drops his handbook, and it sends by accident, )
sorry
( would he have actually sent it? probably not. a second apology in one conversation. unheard of for him, really. )
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It's just a hard topic for me. So... I'm sorry. Really.
[ elan's never been the type to showcase sentiment so overtly -- concern brews in the back of nier's mind, and he stares at his screen hard, laying against his bed as he contemplates what to say next.
he hopes, from the bottom of his heart, that this isn't foreboding something. ]
It's okay. No hard feelings. You know, you say I worry a lot but in the end you aren't so different yourself.
^_^
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there is no right chioce. )
We aren't
alike.
( he doesn't mean it as coldly as it comes. seldom does. even if he wishes he could. )
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maybe he's right. maybe they weren't. but... ]
We don't have to be for me to care about you.
[ and then another moment hangs in the air. ]
I can tell you've thought about it before though.
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( four has no idea how nier would be able to tell such a thing. is it because he has no memories, is less of a person, that he fails to understand? he is limited in the way peil desires him to be. the specific container for the shape of elan ceres, no more, no less. or so it should have been.
why did he begin to want...anything? he can't trace it, and, in a sense, this too he does not understand.
useless. )
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[ it's because he understands what it means to hide from others in plain sight. in some ways, he's more insidious -- dangerous, even. elan doesn't realize that yet, he thinks. ]
I can just tell. It's okay. You're my friend. I'm going to pay attention to you.
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( he is.
it hurts.
take it back, he thinks.
if he goes back to being there but mostly not there, would it be enough?
no it never was.
so what then?
as so often he does lately, he curls almost fetal, the cold of the floor strange. not comforting, but familiar.
like the peil machines, his mind offers, and he doesn't laugh but the empty sentiment...well it's there. )
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Please pick up.
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he tries to keep his uneven breathing quiet, though to him it seems very loud in the sterile emptiness of his unit. he doesn't say anything though, not yet trusting his voice to not give this already failed ruse the rest of the way. )
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[ he says, voice notably awkward in a way it usually isn't. ]
I'm sorry for upsetting you. It's just that... [ a breath. ] you matter to me. That's all.
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( he doesn't explain. can't. nier not agreeing with him is a curse and a gift he doesnt know what to do with. he shouldn't even be considering it. why did he pick up? he curls tighter, eyes clenched shut. his head hurts.
the voice at the surface the voice of habitual obedience: go away.
buried deep: don't.
please don't. )
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[ and something dawns on him, slowly, unfurling — like billows of smoke, suffocating and reeking of rot. ]
Did… did someone make you think people shouldn’t care about you? Did someone put that thought into your head?
[ his voice lowers when he speaks — it’s a first in his presence. ]
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the rare memory not taken from him: being pulled into operation.
another: instructions like a recipe for a slow acting poison, administered as hands and machines interchanged to make his body and face perfect.
"don't forget. you are not the real elan ceres. fulfill your role. that is all."
there's a dull ringing in his head.
"do you like her, the mercury witch? no, wait, do you think she could like you?" the original's laughter becomes that dull ringing. it was, of course, foolish of four to not take into account that peil has ears and eyes everywhere, especially the caged heir. what had he said to him? suletta mercury. nier. that's right. they can't care. and they shouldn't. he's empty. that's right.
that's right.
his hands bleed where the fingernails cut into his palms.
shakily, )
It...doesn't matter.
( after he returns to peil for another round of tests, there are serial duels with students he's apparently offended by being rude or cold or both, "too good for us", and "thinks he's so great" are favorites, apparently. his interest in suletta mercury hasn't helped but in this case he truly doesn't care. he has to understand. if she's like him.
nier presents a different problem, one that four cannot look at directly.
the second he accepts his care, he's sure it will be taken away.
"do you think you deserve kindness? leeway? you must be joking. you had nothing to begin with. it's what you all have in common. why else would you be here?"
the room he woke up in after the operation was cold. many bodies all looking like him looking like them, rose to consciousness. some whispered. some were sick. four was quiet.
always quiet. )
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“it doesn’t matter”, he says, and nier feels something weigh heavy in the pit of his stomach, something like sadness. ]
It does.
[ he replies, voice straining against the kindness he projects. ]
And whoever told you that it doesn’t — whoever made you think this way…
I’m going to destroy them.
[ he voice is level in spite of its low register.
the rage simmers beneath, careful to not seep out and explode. ]
I don’t want you to think like this anymore. I’m not going to leave you behind.
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slowly he pushes himself up off the floor. nier probably can hear the slight movement. when he goes to reach for his handbook, he notices the spasms in his hands haven't quite stopped, so he leaves it on the floor, opting to just sit next to it, head leant on his knees. )
You are setting yourself up for disappointment, Nier.
( he sighs, not exasperated, just tired. as far as he can tell, nier means every word but that does not, in four's mind, mean he's actually capable of it. leave him behind? four keeps the grim bulk of the truth to himself, but he guesses nier might have some idea of it sometimes, based on how he speaks and acts. the sand in four's hourglass is limited and running out all the time. )
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[ it’s said casually, leisurely even, like a reality he’s accustomed to.
but he’s talking — and that alone makes all the difference. nier can’t will himself to be upset with it. ]
I’m not even supposed to be here. But I am, somehow. If I want to do something — I will. And you can’t stop me.
[ and then with a more palpable anxiety— ]
…You okay? I figure the answer is no, but asking can’t hurt. I’m sorry if I pushed you past your limits…whatever those limits are.
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So stubborn.
( a non-answer which is also an answer. but also a comment. it doesn't sound like a compliment or an insult, so much as an observation. if he's honest, four hopes that nier at least gets what he came for, is somehow able to save his sister though it wouldn't shock him if he'd been lied to. )
Oh.
( it occurs to him, well rather, he can't remember if he told him, )
...they're picking me up tomorrow. I won't be here for a few days.
( no one comes to peil house usually and four tries to keep it that way, but just in case. )
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[ it doesn't change anything; in his mind, it is neither a compliment nor an insult. it's simply who he is.
what he says next, however, elicits a downturn of his lips. ]
Okay.
[ they both know, then -- that he was planning on seeing him. in a more upbeat, brisk tone: ]
I'll miss you. If you want to talk, call me. I'll be here, no matter what. Alright?
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