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all of a sudden you're a hostage to things you thought you wanted
( open for messages, action, overflow. )
( open for messages, action, overflow. )
( open for messages, action, overflow. )
( open for messages, action, overflow. )
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( he doesn't explain. can't. nier not agreeing with him is a curse and a gift he doesnt know what to do with. he shouldn't even be considering it. why did he pick up? he curls tighter, eyes clenched shut. his head hurts.
the voice at the surface the voice of habitual obedience: go away.
buried deep: don't.
please don't. )
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[ and something dawns on him, slowly, unfurling — like billows of smoke, suffocating and reeking of rot. ]
Did… did someone make you think people shouldn’t care about you? Did someone put that thought into your head?
[ his voice lowers when he speaks — it’s a first in his presence. ]
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the rare memory not taken from him: being pulled into operation.
another: instructions like a recipe for a slow acting poison, administered as hands and machines interchanged to make his body and face perfect.
"don't forget. you are not the real elan ceres. fulfill your role. that is all."
there's a dull ringing in his head.
"do you like her, the mercury witch? no, wait, do you think she could like you?" the original's laughter becomes that dull ringing. it was, of course, foolish of four to not take into account that peil has ears and eyes everywhere, especially the caged heir. what had he said to him? suletta mercury. nier. that's right. they can't care. and they shouldn't. he's empty. that's right.
that's right.
his hands bleed where the fingernails cut into his palms.
shakily, )
It...doesn't matter.
( after he returns to peil for another round of tests, there are serial duels with students he's apparently offended by being rude or cold or both, "too good for us", and "thinks he's so great" are favorites, apparently. his interest in suletta mercury hasn't helped but in this case he truly doesn't care. he has to understand. if she's like him.
nier presents a different problem, one that four cannot look at directly.
the second he accepts his care, he's sure it will be taken away.
"do you think you deserve kindness? leeway? you must be joking. you had nothing to begin with. it's what you all have in common. why else would you be here?"
the room he woke up in after the operation was cold. many bodies all looking like him looking like them, rose to consciousness. some whispered. some were sick. four was quiet.
always quiet. )
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“it doesn’t matter”, he says, and nier feels something weigh heavy in the pit of his stomach, something like sadness. ]
It does.
[ he replies, voice straining against the kindness he projects. ]
And whoever told you that it doesn’t — whoever made you think this way…
I’m going to destroy them.
[ he voice is level in spite of its low register.
the rage simmers beneath, careful to not seep out and explode. ]
I don’t want you to think like this anymore. I’m not going to leave you behind.
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slowly he pushes himself up off the floor. nier probably can hear the slight movement. when he goes to reach for his handbook, he notices the spasms in his hands haven't quite stopped, so he leaves it on the floor, opting to just sit next to it, head leant on his knees. )
You are setting yourself up for disappointment, Nier.
( he sighs, not exasperated, just tired. as far as he can tell, nier means every word but that does not, in four's mind, mean he's actually capable of it. leave him behind? four keeps the grim bulk of the truth to himself, but he guesses nier might have some idea of it sometimes, based on how he speaks and acts. the sand in four's hourglass is limited and running out all the time. )
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[ it’s said casually, leisurely even, like a reality he’s accustomed to.
but he’s talking — and that alone makes all the difference. nier can’t will himself to be upset with it. ]
I’m not even supposed to be here. But I am, somehow. If I want to do something — I will. And you can’t stop me.
[ and then with a more palpable anxiety— ]
…You okay? I figure the answer is no, but asking can’t hurt. I’m sorry if I pushed you past your limits…whatever those limits are.
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So stubborn.
( a non-answer which is also an answer. but also a comment. it doesn't sound like a compliment or an insult, so much as an observation. if he's honest, four hopes that nier at least gets what he came for, is somehow able to save his sister though it wouldn't shock him if he'd been lied to. )
Oh.
( it occurs to him, well rather, he can't remember if he told him, )
...they're picking me up tomorrow. I won't be here for a few days.
( no one comes to peil house usually and four tries to keep it that way, but just in case. )
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[ it doesn't change anything; in his mind, it is neither a compliment nor an insult. it's simply who he is.
what he says next, however, elicits a downturn of his lips. ]
Okay.
[ they both know, then -- that he was planning on seeing him. in a more upbeat, brisk tone: ]
I'll miss you. If you want to talk, call me. I'll be here, no matter what. Alright?
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I,
( his breath gets caught. he swallows around his unspoken thoughts. don't understand. )
...I'll will keep that in mind.
( i don't understand. you'll miss me? i don't understand... )
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[ the sentiment is painfully earnest, even if it is ignorant. ]
Plus, it'd be good to hear your voice. So... don't be a stranger.
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They... probably ... won't let --
( -- me. the very thing he avoided saying not moments ago, but as he is now, he barely realizes he said it, eyes heavy. )
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Are they the ones doing this to you?
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after a long while-- ]
Do you want me to stay with you?
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he sighs. )
No need. Good night, Nier.
( his first attempt to end the call fails, shaking too badly. the second time he succeeds, barely. falling asleep so fast his hand stays limp across the darkened screen.
he'd wanted to accept. it's something he'll realize while with peil this time, quietly running the gamut of tests and wondering what it means to have someone offer the things nier does. what it means...to want them. )