all of a sudden you're a hostage to things you thought you wanted

[closely]

( open for messages, action, overflow. )

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[closely]

I'm fine.

( even four realizes how brittle that might seem. he circles back, thinking it might redirect things enough to distract, )

Friend?

( most people find him too unapproachable, "the ice prince", or if they try, wholly lacking in his social graces, more likely to offend someone by being too candid. or simply too odd. yet nier persists. four does not know what to make of it or the strange, dangerous part of him that wants nier to keep doing it. )

[extirpator]

[ there’s another pause, like he’s ruminating on which boundaries he can encroach on. he throws caution to the wind regardless. ]

You said I could complain. So I’m going to return the favor.

If you ever feel like you need someone to lean on, call for me. I’ll come running no matter what happens.

[ he isn’t sold on it — but he makes his own compromise. prying would only close him into a corner. ]

Yeah. Friend. I consider you one. Does that bother you?

[closely]

I'm afraid I can't do that.

( complain about peil technologies for what they really are. accept someone else's offered shoulder. tell the truth.

ask for help.

he can't

i can't...i can't... )

There are better candidates for friendship at this school.

( he doesn't know how it makes him feel. or if it matters. )

[extirpator]

Okay.

Just like the dance. You have my number. If you change your mind, I’ll make time for you. Always.

[ and then— ]

That doesn’t matter. I want you.

[ if that sounds odd, it doesn’t occur to him. ]

[closely]

I don't understand why, but I won't tell you what to do.

( well, for now. )

I'm

( that gets prematurely sent, and then he's too preoccupied for a while with the subtle spasms his body is experiencing to 1. realize he did that, or 2. remember the conversation wasn't finished. )

[extirpator]

Even if you don’t understand, it doesn’t change how I feel.

[ he waits for the rest of the message. he doesn’t get it. ]

You’re what?

Hey??

Are you alright?

[closely]

( it's nearly an hour later. four doesn't even know why he cares enough to want to answer...want? is that it?

blearily, he curls on his side and taps out a reply, whatever the reason. )

Sorry

( a rare apology. it...seems like the right thing to say? he's sort of sure. kind of. )

Something came up. I had to step away.

[extirpator]

It’s okay. I’m just glad you’re alright.

[ the apology is a rarity; truthfully, it makes him all the more concerned for that reason alone. ]

You really worry me sometimes, you know that? It isn’t your fault. But sometimes… I can tell you aren’t okay.

[closely]

( another long period of time passes, though not quite an hour. despite that, this is the message he sends after a few failures, hands too shaky. )

Worrying isn't necessary.

( and against his better judgment or because he's feeling weak in a way he's unsettled by, )

Why do you say it isn't my fault?

[extirpator]

It doesn’t have to be. I’m still going to do it because I care about you.

[ there’s a pause. in his own moment of vulnerability– ]

Life hasn’t been easy for me. I don’t think it’s been good to most of us. But there was a time where things were happening to me, and even if people could tell there was something wrong, I’d wager death over telling the truth.

I guess it isn’t so different now. For a lot of us. But that’s why I know it isn’t your fault. If you’re suffering in some way, it isn’t your doing. I don’t blame you for being human.

[closely]

Your consideration is misplaced.
Just focus on yourself. You are here for someone else, after all.

( your consideration. your kindness. your humanness. he is human. but he is less than human. enhanced and impaired. is he wagering death, as nier alludes to? he doesn't feel like it. but it stands anyway; he avoids the truth.

even if he cannot remember, he must have put himself in this situation...surely?

that is what peil has implied to him anyway. that he wanted a citizen number that badly, that he would give up everything to have anything.

as he is now, he can barely understand such a person who was once himself.

he has a hard time understanding nier too, and he doesn't know what it is, the pang of discomfort in his chest. like his heart hurts.

the permet, his mind supplies, and he lets that be the reason because it's probably half true. and simpler. )

[extirpator]

Do you really think I don't know that? I don't need you to tell me that.

[ it's an uncharacteristic burst of upset, one that fills him with a deep seated shame shortly afterwards. after a pause-- ]

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to fly off the handle at you like that.

And honestly, I don't care if you think it's misplaced. We're friends. That's enough reason for me to care about you.

[closely]

( no lag on reply this time, simply, )

It's fine. You don't owe me an apology.

( it's a perfect example of why four doesn't interact with people much or tries to speak very little. because of his aloof veneer, it's hard to understand or realize at first until people see it first hand: how he's just a little too off in all social things, conversations. not quite...right. saying things most people would know not to, quietly. simply.

he thinks about sending another message but his body betrays him again. shaking badly, he lowers to his knees but not before he drops his handbook, and it sends by accident, )

sorry

( would he have actually sent it? probably not. a second apology in one conversation. unheard of for him, really. )

[extirpator]

Yeah, I do. You didn't mean anything bad by it. You have a good heart.

It's just a hard topic for me. So... I'm sorry. Really.

[ elan's never been the type to showcase sentiment so overtly -- concern brews in the back of nier's mind, and he stares at his screen hard, laying against his bed as he contemplates what to say next.

he hopes, from the bottom of his heart, that this isn't foreboding something. ]

It's okay. No hard feelings. You know, you say I worry a lot but in the end you aren't so different yourself.

^_^

[closely]

( because he can tell another message has come, because he doesn't want to wait lest nier think something is wrong and try to come here, four fumbles his way through a response. it still takes several tries, and he sends it too early anyway, tacking on the rest. he had been warned against raising his permet score too high too many times. but he cannot fail either.

there is no right chioce. )

We aren't
alike.

( he doesn't mean it as coldly as it comes. seldom does. even if he wishes he could. )

[extirpator]

[ it doesn't hurt him -- but it does startle, make him feel some semblance of guilt for putting him in this position at all.

maybe he's right. maybe they weren't. but... ]

We don't have to be for me to care about you.

[ and then another moment hangs in the air. ]

I can tell you've thought about it before though.

[closely]

how?

( four has no idea how nier would be able to tell such a thing. is it because he has no memories, is less of a person, that he fails to understand? he is limited in the way peil desires him to be. the specific container for the shape of elan ceres, no more, no less. or so it should have been.

why did he begin to want...anything? he can't trace it, and, in a sense, this too he does not understand.

useless. )

[extirpator]

Because you're upset right now.

[ it's because he understands what it means to hide from others in plain sight. in some ways, he's more insidious -- dangerous, even. elan doesn't realize that yet, he thinks. ]

I can just tell. It's okay. You're my friend. I'm going to pay attention to you.

[closely]

i'm not

( he is.

it hurts.

take it back, he thinks.

if he goes back to being there but mostly not there, would it be enough?

no it never was.

so what then?

as so often he does lately, he curls almost fetal, the cold of the floor strange. not comforting, but familiar.

like the peil machines, his mind offers, and he doesn't laugh but the empty sentiment...well it's there. )

[extirpator]

[ he calls him, on repeat. the wrongness of it all does not evade him. ]

Please pick up.

[closely]

( eventually, ...eventually.... four reaches out and taps so that the call can go through.

he tries to keep his uneven breathing quiet, though to him it seems very loud in the sterile emptiness of his unit. he doesn't say anything though, not yet trusting his voice to not give this already failed ruse the rest of the way. )

[extirpator]

Hey.

[ he says, voice notably awkward in a way it usually isn't. ]

I'm sorry for upsetting you. It's just that... [ a breath. ] you matter to me. That's all.

[closely]

You ... shouldn't...care.

( he doesn't explain. can't. nier not agreeing with him is a curse and a gift he doesnt know what to do with. he shouldn't even be considering it. why did he pick up? he curls tighter, eyes clenched shut. his head hurts.

the voice at the surface the voice of habitual obedience: go away.

buried deep: don't.

please don't. )

[extirpator]

That isn’t true. [ the protest is immediate. ] Of course I should care. You can’t stop me.

[ and something dawns on him, slowly, unfurling — like billows of smoke, suffocating and reeking of rot. ]

Did… did someone make you think people shouldn’t care about you? Did someone put that thought into your head?

[ his voice lowers when he speaks — it’s a first in his presence. ]

[closely]

( for a long time it's just the unsteadiness of four's inhales and exhales. he spirals.

the rare memory not taken from him: being pulled into operation.

another: instructions like a recipe for a slow acting poison, administered as hands and machines interchanged to make his body and face perfect.

"don't forget. you are not the real elan ceres. fulfill your role. that is all."

there's a dull ringing in his head.

"do you like her, the mercury witch? no, wait, do you think she could like you?" the original's laughter becomes that dull ringing. it was, of course, foolish of four to not take into account that peil has ears and eyes everywhere, especially the caged heir. what had he said to him? suletta mercury. nier. that's right. they can't care. and they shouldn't. he's empty. that's right.

that's right.

his hands bleed where the fingernails cut into his palms.

shakily, )

It...doesn't matter.

( after he returns to peil for another round of tests, there are serial duels with students he's apparently offended by being rude or cold or both, "too good for us", and "thinks he's so great" are favorites, apparently. his interest in suletta mercury hasn't helped but in this case he truly doesn't care. he has to understand. if she's like him.

nier presents a different problem, one that four cannot look at directly.

the second he accepts his care, he's sure it will be taken away.

"do you think you deserve kindness? leeway? you must be joking. you had nothing to begin with. it's what you all have in common. why else would you be here?"

the room he woke up in after the operation was cold. many bodies all looking like him looking like them, rose to consciousness. some whispered. some were sick. four was quiet.

always quiet. )